מתת אל

Idek no more. One day happy, next day is worse than before. It seems like I can’t escape no matter how much I try. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Fam always wants to see a smile when opening presents… but I’m so fucking sick of pretending.  I truly want this shit to go away and be happy again… but I honestly don’t even think thats possible, it’s past the point of no return.  I used to just be happy or just bored, now when I’m bored it’s a whole nother story. Don’t know what to say or do because I’m the only one who can change this, yet I have no clue how to save my mind.

Well… this place really helped me let some things out when it was hard to share with anyone else, kinda like ranting to noone.  It’s been bout a week now and I feel… better? Than what I did for the past two months. I wouldn’t say better but at least I can breathe a little.  I still relapse in thought. Still the same dreams. The same thoughts when I look into the mirror. Each time I get into the car, I almost dream of being able to just do what I want to.  The struggle from within is so pointless, yet too compelling to just give in.  I’d give anything to just sleep forever.